Thanks. [mmm...] I know it came up earlier today, but I still wanted you to hear it from me directly. I'm sorry about last week. You're totally right to be angry with us, and we should have talked about it more. It wasn't exactly fair. And I get that now.
I'm realizing it was the combination of people, yeah. Clementine said both Chiron and Ochako had volunteered to die to help meet our numbers. Blanca said you were the one taking the hit for your team, and that you wouldn't kill a child.
Taako and Homura were the ones going out to do the kill for our team. It would have been harder to lie to them about not being saved, but...I don't know. Maybe I should have worked out a deal with Taako to help us vote for Homura instead. Nothing I think about really makes for a good combination though.
[...still.] Either way. I think people thought we were saying you weren't allowed to be upset. And that's not true. That's the other thing I wanted to say.
It felt more like it was "you're allowed to be upset, but not to the extent that you make anyone else feel bad about it because it was for your own good".
Which likely wasn't the intention, I know.
[ There was a lot going on that not all of them shared information on. ]
It wasn't. There was a lot going on today and I think we just didn't have enough time to talk about it. [and then everyone started yelling about religious crabs so you know.]
I still think people should be allowed to feel the way they feel and all we can do is listen to them. That includes stuff like this.
It's not just that. [he relaxes a little, but he still looks a little on the thoughtful and remorseful side of things.] I'm not asking you to forgive me or Xie Lian either, but if you do want to talk about it...I want to hear what else you have to say. It's only fair.
This is the first time I'm really talking to you about it, so nothing really.
[that is to say, he's heard things but he would prefer to hear them from her instead of what others have to say. she should get the chance to outline it herself as she wishes.]
Blanca was the only one among the Foxes who knew I was going to kill Archer-- or at least, the only one I told. I asked him not to defend me if it came to narrowing down a Fox as a culprit, because as a role holder, he was too important to lose.
I said I was prepared to take responsibility if I was caught, even if I didn't wish to be and Archer assisted me with that.
So for starters, to know that Blanca was a part of this plan when he should have known I wouldn't have agreed with it... that hurt. The fact that everyone was planning to frame and save a killer also bothered me, instead of just doing it with someone innocent or even someone who would have been more fine with it.
Then, despite the fact that in every trial, I've said I don't believe in using the items that force someone's emotions to change because I don't think any person has a right to change another, they decided to use the RSVP for evidence. So not only was I now forced to feel emotions against my will, it was used in such a way to make Ochako look as though she was trying to warn Xie Lian about me.
If I have to kill someone, it's out of necessity or my orders. I don't enjoy it, and I especially would stop at killing a child unless they were splintering. So to have all of this fabricated evidence against me and not a single person willing to speak up and call that at least a little suspicious was incredibly humiliating. That trial was everything I could have hated.
And then, after finally thinking that at least I can go to my death with some dignity, I'm stopped yet again and I realized I didn't have a single moment that entire trial that wasn't me being manipulated. Dying at the end was the only thing I could choose to do, all because no one thought to think about what I might have preferred.
[well. he doesn't, like, have anything to say to all of that because that's how she feels and he can't blame her and he's not going to reiterate anything that was already said since it doesn't matter. the damage is already done. even the parts he didn't even know about until they happened are already done, and there's nothing that can change them.]
...then. I'm even sorrier we ever suggested it in the first place.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And then her shoulders slump a little and she sighs. ]
I think if you had picked nearly anybody else, you would have been fine. Mistakes were made all around for this one.
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Taako and Homura were the ones going out to do the kill for our team. It would have been harder to lie to them about not being saved, but...I don't know. Maybe I should have worked out a deal with Taako to help us vote for Homura instead. Nothing I think about really makes for a good combination though.
[...still.] Either way. I think people thought we were saying you weren't allowed to be upset. And that's not true. That's the other thing I wanted to say.
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Which likely wasn't the intention, I know.
[ There was a lot going on that not all of them shared information on. ]
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I still think people should be allowed to feel the way they feel and all we can do is listen to them. That includes stuff like this.
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[that is to say, he's heard things but he would prefer to hear them from her instead of what others have to say. she should get the chance to outline it herself as she wishes.]
Other than the part where it was upsetting.
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I said I was prepared to take responsibility if I was caught, even if I didn't wish to be and Archer assisted me with that.
So for starters, to know that Blanca was a part of this plan when he should have known I wouldn't have agreed with it... that hurt. The fact that everyone was planning to frame and save a killer also bothered me, instead of just doing it with someone innocent or even someone who would have been more fine with it.
Then, despite the fact that in every trial, I've said I don't believe in using the items that force someone's emotions to change because I don't think any person has a right to change another, they decided to use the RSVP for evidence. So not only was I now forced to feel emotions against my will, it was used in such a way to make Ochako look as though she was trying to warn Xie Lian about me.
If I have to kill someone, it's out of necessity or my orders. I don't enjoy it, and I especially would stop at killing a child unless they were splintering. So to have all of this fabricated evidence against me and not a single person willing to speak up and call that at least a little suspicious was incredibly humiliating. That trial was everything I could have hated.
And then, after finally thinking that at least I can go to my death with some dignity, I'm stopped yet again and I realized I didn't have a single moment that entire trial that wasn't me being manipulated. Dying at the end was the only thing I could choose to do, all because no one thought to think about what I might have preferred.
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...then. I'm even sorrier we ever suggested it in the first place.
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But thank you, for listening.
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